Easy way to read newspaper…  

Posted by Lancelot in , ,

When I was in school I had this problem with my mom, apart from waking me up early in the morning she will insist that I should read the newspaper. For me reading is like drinking Kashayam (for non-Tamils:it’s a homemade medicine given for cough, fever, stomach ache and what not- few claim they have such medicines even for AIDS and SARS), about my reading abilities I write a separate blog, so I always lied to her that I‘ve finished reading newspaper. She trusted me for a very long time until one fine day she found out I was lying for so long(that’s when she decided I will be a good lawyer) On that fateful day she asked me a silly question of what’s the tax levied on Housing for that year? (Its not a very brilliant question to match my caliber those days, if she had asked me about Kamalji’s next movie, I would‘ve given her not less than thousand words answer) I replied coolly like our great Crazy Mohan, “How do I know?” , thats it she caught me red handed gave me some archanai, poojai, punaskaram (for non-Tamils:it’s a code word for 'scolding’s' generally used by the innocent victims of child abuse)and finally the prasatham (conditional existence at home- this is a great threat used by the Indian parents against their children which is denial of food & shelter; if they fail to perform some duty which the parents think as inevitable for the survival of the kid whereas the kid thinks it otherwise)that I should read the newspaper everyday and I should answer her questions that very night(Phew…)

As usual the criminal in my mind woke up; he started finding a way out of it and found it as well (necessity is the father of invention)

TERMS & CONDITIONS: What I am going to tell you now is a patented method so don’t try to copy it without my express permission. DISCLAIMER: Method tested and performed by professional, don’t try it at home if the people at your home are smarter than you and/or without enough criminal cells at brain. I disclaim any liability whatsoever. The result of this method might vary from individual to individual depending upon the criminal cells in their brain.

I always had this habit of taping the stereotype mentality of my fellow Indians to fulfill my needs, this came handy this time. I had so many extraordinarily brilliant fellas at school who had the ego size of a dinosaur and Mr Know it all mentality (in short the male versions of Hermione) what I did was I just read the Title of a news item say for example 'Sachin scored a century' what I will do is go to the school and go straight to one of these Geeks (the mistake is not involuntary and/or unintentional) oops extraordinarily brilliant fella and just bruise his ego, “Machan do you know Sachin has scored a century da” that’s all I have to do (I quote here, Madai thiranthu – not the Yogi B version) he will then start bragging, “that’s all you know eh, this is his 18th century, 4 more to go to beat so and so’s record, its his 7th century in this ground, he needs nine more runs to reach his 10000 runs blah blah” my reply, “Machi chancea illada next Siddharth Basu neethaanda”( you are the next Siddharth Basu) and I could see the size of his head bloats by few inches. The same technique for different news items with different big heads and at the end of the session I will be filled up with the news in the newspaper (at times more than what’s provided in the newspaper) and those big heads with bigger heads. Back home my mom was so happy to see how clever her son is, she even asked me to apply to “Kaun Banega Crorepathi”. So I managed to survive at my home for the rest of my school days.

Feedback from the people/person who followed my advice: When we contacted my sister Jeny Shaw, she said, “She faced the same threat from her dad and she heard about this patented technique of reading newspaper (which the tutor discovered as a traditional habit of the tribes in Amazon and Africa, he after so many years of struggle learnt this art and applied it to the modern era and made some modifications to suit the current generation), she had to clean the tutor’s room for a week to learn this technique and she is reaping the fruits. No side effects reported so far.”

Good luck in reading the newspaper

Cheers,

If my ears are in my legs…  

Posted by Lancelot in ,

What if my ears are in my legs? Phew can’t even imagine how weird I will look without ears in my head. What the place ear marked for ear in my head will look like? Just a hole or blank skin like the aliens they show in Alien movies which attack only New York City? How will I put on my glasses? Should I custom make them like the Zorro’s Mask? If it’s a costume party then I will be passable but think of going into a law firm with a mask everyday, I will be the logo for my breed universally with the caption "bandits in disguise". I am also wondering how the ear nerves will be connected to the brain, won’t God be confused? I might be his Guinea pig for his new model of humans, he might try to refit the internal nerves but its bit complicated as there will be some millions of cross connections and junctions and also a problem of mal-connection; imagine me breathing with my ears and hearing with my nose. I would suggest him to connect it externally I don’t mind few nerves hanging from my head to legs rather than those mal-functions.

But what will people say when I go in public? Will any girl date me? There might be few girls who want to be famous over night; being the girl friend of the weirdest looking men on earth. But I don’t want any publicity, as the government might put me in a cage and will use it for their scientific research face, few Hollywood movies might take the leaf out of my life to shoot their next sensational Sci-Fi Box Office Hit and Manoj Knight Shyamalan might just portray his ghost with ears in his/her legs. If the government is brainy it may put me in a cage and hang it in the center of the city and might get some tourists coming in, thus increasing the economy of the country and one fine day when their ruling is in question and there is a chance of losing their rule in the country they might just spread a rumor that I am behaving atrociously and have killed few hundred people (they will pay some people - place them on roads as dead bodies – paint them with tomato sauce - which will be telecasted by the TV channels which never show anything which is not true) and they will poison my food and kill me and then shoot my dead body here and there and will put it on channels, newspapers with headlines “PEACE RESTORED : ALIEN KILLED AFTER A GUN FIGHT” . God save me I don’t want publicity.

The things I will be happy about is I need not hear the people’s flattery words spoken on my face whereas they speak otherwise behind my back. I can cover my ears with my socks so it will not hear any bitching. And in classes and meetings I can take this ability as an excuse to keep my long legs on the table. They may make some ear related jokes about me which my ears have to hear but never mind as long as I am not one of them, I am different so I am proud.

COPY CATS  

Posted by Lancelot in ,

To dear blog mates, Kartik one of our fellow blogger (He is a great blogger, writes one anything and everything- (To Kartik: now it’s your turn to appreciate me in your blog)) and me decided to start a new blog together just to vent out our anger on few fellow bloggers who blogs better than us (of course everyone else is better than us – what to do?) So we have started a new blog by the name COPY CATS the link to this blog is here http://lancelot-kartik.blogspot.com/.

In this blog we are going to pick and choose a fellow blogger randomly and will give him to the characters NATTAMAI and SALTKOTTAI SILUVAI (our Altar Egos), they will mock that blogger, hack that blogger, whack that blogger (in short ANTHAR PANNIDUVAANGA)… So if you want to file any defamation suit file it against NATTAMAI and SILUVAI. For Tamil bloggers they will be questioning them in Tamil and for English bloggers the questions will be in English. You can check that link now and then and hope your name doesn’t appear there J Good luck…


STATUTORY WARNING:

1) We are going to enter into your

computers and steal your pride, heart, soul, jewels, cash etc... (maanam, mariyathai)

2) We are capable of being romantic to the

lady bloggers so be careful with your heart...

3) Don’t try to act smart with us and be cheeky in your comments because we are


the Radical Squadron…

4) If the blogger is a body builder than us (for example like Kaki) we know how to plead mercy…

5) If all the bloggers join together and give us a chase we know how to run and hide…


UNDER SIGNED,

Arun Kumar & Kartik

The day when I ate Pedigree (yeah right, the Royal Dog Food)  

Posted by Lancelot in ,

That was one of the days where my eccentricity, my altar personality takes over my common sense. But the problem is, it’s the one which occupies my body most of the time and my Sagittarian Sun always pours alcohol to this already ‘high’ personality. I have a German Shepherd dog (the 8th one in my dog side of the family), she is now 7 years old and her name is REENA, christened by my mom. Reena has a very bitchy attitude, never listens to me and knows when to bark (she barks only when I am in a serious conversation over phone with you know who ;-)) to irritate me. We always had an attitude problem, so I just love irritating her whenever I get a chance by showing affection towards my other dogs, which she hates to the core (Possessiveness you see).

So one day I was back home from Chennai and it was dinner time, she was in her leash and taking rest as usual I started a conversation with her, calling her with names and she responded me with her fierce barks, the point is she understands my language whereas I am not that good with her language. So, I didn’t know what are the bad words she was using on me.

I am like Joey from Friends, I never like someone eating my food from my plate nor sharing it with someone. This habit of not sharing my food was my inherent quality right from my birth. I am told that once at the age of on or about 3, my mom had served me Masal Vadai in a plate. It seems she took one vadai from my plate and ate, that’s it: the end of peace treaty with my mom and historians mark it as the day when the World War III almost started. With a deadly fury in my eyes, I have stared at her and have shouted, “கக்கு மா ” (“Spit it mom”) and she was in a very delicate position as she had swallowed it before I asked her to spit and I was not ready to accept another Vadai in its place and was insisting that I want that same Vadai, my precious Vadai from my plate. My grandma had asked her to try vomiting the Vadai out to calm me down but it didn’t work, so they did some gimmicks and somehow showed as if she spit the Vadai before my eyes (see how deprived I was in my childhood, my whole family conspired against me in deceiving me and cheated me of my Vadai from my plate). The day I knew this story I wanted to revenge my mom and one fine day when she served masal vadai at home, I took one from her plate. TIT FOR TAT hmph...

Coming back to Reena, yeah I thought she would have inherited (by seeing though not by birth) my character of taking offense if someone takes her food, so I showed her, her Pedigree packet (and she knows her packet very well, she barks whenever we take the packet- I should admit she is intelligent) and told her, “Listen I am going to eat your Pedigree, what can you do?”. She just gave me a cool look and ignored me, I felt so insulted I thought she thinks I will not eat her Pedigree, I just wanted to prove her a point that I can do whatever she does, so took a handful of Pedigree and put it in my mouth and ate it with loud CRUNCH and MUNCH (“கரக் மொருக்”) and saw her face, but that freak was having the same expression in her face and I think I saw a nasty glee in her face and I felt like an ass eating the dog food just to irritate her…

P.S: By the way Pedigree was not so bad and I occasionally munched it whenever I served her food after this day…

This is in continuation of my previous post (nothing to do with mythology though). I am going to give you the secret of 6 packs- the 10 steps to attain the 6 or 8 packs. With reference to the Brad Pitt poster in my previous blog, I managed to find these posters online of Brad Pitt (refer the pics) and in addition I have put my all time favorite Nicole Scherzinger’s pics as well for the girls who visit my blog. As the title reads, it’s all about achieving the ‘V’ shaped look for the Guys and the Hour Glass look for the Girls. The following are the steps which I have tried our before and proved to be successful, but as any other body workouts these workouts has their side effects as well, so I am listing out everything down here, hope this will be very useful to you all. I know many find it too boring or hard to go to gym. Hence I am giving you ten brand new exercises/workouts found exclusively by me and I hold copyright for the same. Any reproduction of this write up in any other blog or book is punishable under the law but you can try it out at home at your own risk. So let’s see what I have in store for you:

1) Cycling/Walking behind an ass:

Here I mean not a donkey but a real human ass. Many would have found it boring to do the stable cycling or walk in a tread mill in a gym. So, this is the alternative method I have found out. I am sure there should be at least one girl/guy in your area or in a nearby college or in your office, who would have really attracted you and you, would have some sort of inclination towards her/him. Now that’s the ass you are going to follow, take your cycle or use your legs and follow them to their house, office, college wherever they go. Let it be miles, trust me you will not be tired and without your knowledge you will be losing all the extra pounds and will get into the 6 packs within a period of 6 months (you should do it every day though). It will be better if the person lives far off, the more the distance she/he is away the sooner you lose the fat. The positive thing about this is that the person might fall in love with you.

Side Effects: D Guys have the chances of getting whacked by the girl’s father/brother or arrested under the charges of eve-teasing and Girls have the chances of being mistaken rightly as a desperate case.

2) Jogging but if it is faster than you then Run:

In tread mill you can run inclined-flat what not? But it is boring and also it’s a run to nowhere. And you will not get the expected results within a quick span of time. So, let me give you an alternative. Check for a ferocious stray dog/pet dog let lose in your area, go and disturb him (don’t try any type of physical harm to the dog- as I am a member of blue cross), you can just call it with names or bark at it, (I am sure like us even dogs will get mad if you don’t speak their language rightly). It will start to chase you so to escape jog your way out but if it is faster than you then RUN. This is a sure shot way to shed the extra pounds.

Side Effects: D The dog can be faster than you even if you run and you can suffer a bite, followed by admission in hospital, painful injections (might get to meet a hot nurse, which occurrence is farfetched). D You might be whacked by the Dog’s owner.

3) Weight Lifting:

This is another hard task you do in Gym, lifting weights and end up having a muscle twist or pull, it might be boring to lift an iron rod with weights. Here is the alternative method; it will be easy if you have a girl friend/boy friend. Carry her/him any number of times on a given day. Lift them with both hands, one hand, above your head, shoulder level but lift them. If you don’t have a boy friend or girl friend, then simply follow what our film heroes do on road, you might find some old lady/man who is waiting to cross a road, go to her/him lift them and help them cross the road by carrying them. The positive thing is the old lady/man will bless you; a bystander may be impressed; if you contest in elections the people who saw you doing such service may vote for you.

Side Effects: D You may not be strong enough to carry your girl/boy friend and might be embarrassed before them. D The old lady/man will mistake you as a robber/kidnapper/thief/pervert.

4) Swimming – fully covered:

I don’t know how many of you know swimming, but if you know it’s good, if you don’t know then it’s very good. Join a swimming class where you see more hot boys/girls, if you know swimming, you can swim along with those hot chicks/hunks in swim suits and drooling over them while swimming, sheds the extra pounds. If you don’t know swimming then its even better, you can jump into the water and hold on to the railings in the pool, and when a hot chick/hunk comes near ask her/him to teach you swimming. This helps again to develop more than your body.

Side Effects: D There are chances of you getting drowned without any assistance. D The tutor in the swimming pool might not be a hot chick/hunk. D You might catch a cold due to swimming.

5.) Dieting- look before you eat:

Dieting is a very hard thing to do for anyone. I am giving you an easy way to diet. Click a naked picture of yourselves and make copies and stick it in your refrigerator, kitchen and dinning hall. Whenever you begin to eat something, look at the photograph, see all the extra pounds clinging on to you and you will automatically start dieting.

Side Effects: D Your body might become weak and numb. D Your naked photograph might be seen by a hot neighbor and your will become the BUTT of the area’s jokes.

6.) Dieting- the alternative:

This is for those who cannot see their own naked picture. Ask your mom or the cook to cook only the dishes which you hate the most. Eat in hotels which give cheap quality/bad taste of food. Automatically you will start dieting.

Side Effects: D Your body might become weak and numb. D You may develop gastritis.

7.) Hiking- push your enemy:

Those who do the hiking in hiker bikes in the gym may find it tiring after a while. So here is the alternative, pick your enemy and take her/him to the top of a mountain in the name of hiking (you can sing the song, “VAARAAI…NEE VAARAAI” if you know Tamil). When you reach the top, give her/him a gentle push (remember that you should be gentle to others). It serves two purposes, one reducing your body mass and two doing away with your enemy.

Side Effects: D You might be charged for murder and get arrested by police. D Your enemy might be stronger than you and the tables might be turned over.

8.) Join Blue Cross- become a herbivore:

I know it’s hard for people to stick on to a veggie and fruit diet. So the alternative is to join in blue cross, attend the seminars and lectures given by them, if you have a heart then you will automatically turn into an herbivore. There is no side effects to this method but hard to follow.

9.) Forget your purse also your fat:

Whenever you go out for some party or work, don’t take your purse, just take money for one way auto/bus/taxi. So you will not be able to buy something to munch when you are hungry and on your way back home you should come by walk (“Be a man/woman, have some pride, don’t ask for lift, Shame on you!”). This method helps you forget your fat.

Side Effects: D There might arise an emergency and you will be left with no option than to beg.

10.) Nod – the simple exercise:

This is the simplest of all the methods we saw so far. It’s just a head shake method, like how you nod your head left to right when you say ‘NO’. You have to do it whenever they serve you fat rich food, just nod your head from left to right and then from right to left and say NO.

Side Effects: D Your body might become weak and numb. D You may develop gastritis.

Follow this religiously and enjoy your 6 or 8 packs.

P.S: These techniques are not for KAKI and/or KARTIK who are naturally bonish and multi packed.


I was coming in train today and suddenly thought about the Brad Pitt’s poster I saw at my gym yestereve. The Gym people think it’s a motivation to the members to look at the poster and aspire for such a skin tee body, but they doesn’t know that people tend to eat more due to depression because they don’t have such an awe body. Anyways since I remembered Brad the Prat, I started thinking about his acting as the great Achilles in “The Troy” and then remembered the chat I had with Swathi Paul our Kaki’s Junior. I was telling her how Kaki and Me standing for the cause that the Indian Mythology is nowhere lesser than the English fantasies and how we chalked out the possible inspirations of Indian Myths in JKR’s Harry Potter. How we got bashed by some juveniles which is a big story, let’s set it aside. I was thinking about Achilles and suddenly the Duryodhana character from Mahabharath came to my mind, they both share something in common. Achilles heel and Duryodhana’s thigh are more or less the same story.

Achilles mother, Thetis, had dipped the infant Achilles in the river Styx, holding onto him by his heel, and he became invulnerable where the waters touched him -- that is, everywhere but the areas covered by her thumb and forefinger, implying that only a heel wound could have been his downfall and as anyone could have predicted he was killed when an arrow shot by Paris and guided by Apollo punctures his heel.

Similarly, in Mahabharath, Queen Gandhari decides to help Duryodhana win. Asking him to bathe and enter her tent naked, she prepares to use the great mystic power of her eyes, blind-folded for many years out of respect for her blind husband, to make his body invincible to all attack in every portion. But when Krishna, who is returning after paying the queen a visit, runs into a naked Duryodhana coming to the tent, he mockingly admonishes him for his intent to appear so before his own mother. Knowing of Gandhari's intentions, Krishna criticizes Duryodhana, who sheepishly covers his groin before entering the tent.

When Gandhari's eyes fall upon Duryodhana, they mystically make each part of his body invincible. She is shocked to see that Duryodhana had covered his groin, which was thus not protected by her mystic power.

At the climax, Duryodhana meets his arch nemesis Bhima in Mace fighting. At this battle, both were equally matched, Duryodhana with his mystic Armour and Bhima with his strength (Bhima possessed the strength of 8000 Elephants by drinking a Liquid that his maternal great grandfather had given him). After a long and brutal battle stretching many days, Duryodhana begins to exhaust Bhima. At this point, Krishna, who is observing the fight, motions to Bhima, reminding him of his oath to crush Duryodhana's thigh. Bhima viciously attacks Duryodhana with a mace and strikes at his thigh which is not protected by Gandhari's blessing, and Duryodhana finally falls, mortally wounded.

How similar the stories are, does this means that all these stories are imaginary or about the same person but with different names and versions? Does that mean the comparison between Jesus Christ and Lord Krishna is also true? Does this means that all our fore fathers belonged to the same clan and its us who are divided based on religion, race, culture, tradition blah blah blah? How the world would be if we were all together? May be Kaki will know who is Beauty and who is Meera, may be I can taste Senorita’s dishes, may be I can be with my beloved as there will be no seas in between the countries. *Sigh* Man proposes God disposes. I know your question, “So Lancelot, what this has to do with your previous birth???” Read the Post Script below ;)

P.S: Why I have to write something like this? Is this what you call divine intervention? People call me the Indian Brad Pitt (Believe me), and why should Brad Pitt act as Achilles? And why should I think about Brad Pitt and write about the character Achilles played by him, off all the characters? And why should be Achilles’s teacher a Centaur (called Chiron)? And why should I be a Centaur myself (Sagittarius – December born)? Does this mean I was Achilles in one of my previous birth? Until the contrary is proved by anyone, it is hereby recorded officially that I was Achilles in my previous birth.

P.P.S: The naked picture is the famous painting called ‘The Wrath of Achilles’ by the French Painter François-Léon Benouville (1821 – 1859).