Sunday, March 1, 2009

How to use toilet paper?

Hello fellow bloggers, after that serious post on Global Warming and Mythology, I thought of taking a break but all of a sudden our Kartik came to me and told me that he has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize for best mokkai this year. So, he will be made to stay in 5 Star hotels where they won’t give him a bucket of water and will ask him to use the toilet paper. In order to help him with his trouble, I have to come out of my break and have to write this blog. This will be useful for others too who are not aware of how to use toilet paper. Alright let’s see how to use toilet paper:

Step1: Without toilet paper you can’t use it.

So, buy a roll of toilet paper from any super market, if you are not that rich get the old newspapers and cut in the shape of this

(refer the pic) and roll it up.

Step 2: Go to toilet and use the toilet.

If you are not going toilet then there is no use for the toilet paper. So go to the toilet and use the toilet.

Step 3: Don’t use toilet paper before finishing your business.

Should I elaborate on this rule? Anyways for dumbos do not use the toilet paper before you finish your business of toileting else will receive filthy reviews.

Step 4: Unroll the product before using.

After finishing the business begin to unroll the product. For this take the edge and pull. Now run to catch the rolling product before it unrolls totally. Put it in the place. Take the edge and pull more gently. Roll back three last meters, so that only 4 pieces will be unrolled. Torn them from all other. Well, you can stop. You see that it goes in parallel, tearing all four parts in half, so why do you continue? Just dispose of those destroyed parts and begin from the scratch. Now, you should bring scissors for cutting four pieces apart. If you do not have scissors or any sharp object, just fold and unfold the paper in the same place for ten times. Keep your fingers crossed when you try to torn now. Let us hope you succeed, otherwise take those parts and try to tear them with your teeth.

Step 5: Using it (Most Important).

Take those four parts, fold them and attach to the exposed flesh between your legs. Now rub it in direction of law back. Do not forget, it is not sandpaper and do not rub too strong. Just easily, like waltzing do it up and down for some times. And some round movements. One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three…

Step 6: Post-using check.

With clean hand check the place. If there is some brown under the nails or fingers smell, you can assume that the cleaning process isn't finished and repeat step 5.

Attention Please:

1) Do not use the product more than two or three times.

2) Wash it only in cold water. Do not use soap.

3) Do the pressing only with cold iron.

4) Reused product can be easily sewed together. In this case, take out all the threads before using it on yourself. For unwanted guests, you can forget it.

5) I propose not to use toilet paper from recycled carton.

6) Lately there is a trend to make stamps with your picture. Leave it for stamps. On the other hand, if you do not like somebody, then you can use it in this product too.

7) Though there is Sodoku toilet paper, please do not invent Bingo toilet paper. Or at least do not make holes when you have right ballsnumbers.



Hope to hear feedback from you after following my tips, happy looing hours.

With love,

Lancelot


70 comments:

viji said...

Yahoooo I'm not the last

viji said...

he he he..epadi intha vaati correct aah motha comment potutena.. :P

ok, be back after read the post. :D:D:D

viji said...

again karthik thaa pali keda va..aiyoo pavem.. vadiveloo in movie 'vettri kodi kattu' nyabagam taa varutu. :D

viji said...

hahahahahah.. very funny la you...

(bath) room pothu yosicingala?? :P

GAYATHRI said...

me the second atleast!!:P anna remmmmmmmmmmmmmmba useful aana post..ilaati nala damayanthi madhavan maari nerayaaperu thavipaanga!!this a service to human kind;)

RAD MADHAV said...

Me the one and only....1st (Boys category)

RAD MADHAV said...

Thala, unmayil migavum payanulla pala nalla visayangal. vaalga ungal pugal.

RAD MADHAV said...

// viji said...

hahahahahah.. very funny la you...

(bath) room pothu yosicingala?? :P//

illa. idha padichavunga ellam bath roomil irukkurappa yosikka vendiyathu.

VASAVAN said...

//
Hope to hear feedback from you after following my tips, happy looing hours. //

Feedback ippa yeppadi solrathu. naalaikku kaalayilthaan solla mudiyum.

Lance Very funny & nice.

KK said...

@ll
adhu saraswati aakkum..
adha poi eppadi???
sombu or bucket for cleaning???...

black comedy maadhiri, oru maadhiri black post...

reminded a scene from "deat at a funeral"

swathi paul(dew drop) said...

wat next?are you planning to give a crash couse on potty training????????

Lancelot said...

@ Viji

kalakal po...yaaruppa anga oru settu parotta kuruma parcel...

avan kettan naan eluthinen avlothan...

Lancelot said...

@ Viji

bathroom la utkarnthu yosipen...

Lancelot said...

@ Gayathri

naan makkal sevaikkagavae uyir valpavan :) itharkaga neengal ennaku mount roadil cut out vaikka vendam...

Lancelot said...

@ Rad Mad

boys category firstukku vazhthukkal...yaaruppa anga thalaikku oru guska parcel...

nandri nandri nandri...

Lancelot said...

@ vasavan

ok will wait for tomo morning...

Lancelot said...

@ Kaki

do u know kakoosi??
jagoosi??

then the best scene is where the airhostess cuts toilet paper tail and everyone claps :P

and enpa racism pesuraa???black comedy black postnu??

Lancelot said...

@ Swathi

if you want i can offer you that too... :P

Lavanya said...

Hey have you tried fact for the day roll.... !!!! hehehe...

Filthy post!

Lancelot said...

@ Lavanya


he he he...

ஆளவந்தான் said...

hey,,

if you get a chance see the "2 Days in Paris" by julie delpy. In that movie she is explaining how girls are wasting toilet paper and there by trees :)))))

Lancelot said...

@ AA

kandipa parkaren hein...

viji said...

Lancelot said...
@ Viji

kalakal po...yaaruppa anga oru settu parotta kuruma parcel...

------------------------
dindukal sarathi padam kathei maatri le iruku. nanum rombe nerama wait panaren, parcel paper kuda kannule katela..
parotta varuma? varathaa??

Lancelot said...

@ Viji

Varum aana Varathu...

viji said...

awwwwww :`(


ENAKU VENUM!!!!!!!!!!!!



p/s: 25th comment =)

Lancelot said...

@ Viji

parava illa quarter adichittaa...steadyaa irukiyaa??

kanagu said...

Enna aaraichi enna arivu... innum konjam try panni Madras univ la umgaloda indha post ah pottu doctor pattam vangidunga :)

David said...

Save Trees? Save money and the Earth and be clean at the same time! Get serious and add Bathroom Bidet Sprayers to all your bathrooms. I think Dr. Oz on Oprah said it best: "if you had pee or poop on your hand, you wouldn't wipe it off with paper, would you? You'd wash it off” Available at www.bathroomsprayers.com with these you won't even need toilet paper any more, just a towel to dry off! Don’t worry, you can still leave some out for guests and can even make it the soft stuff without felling guilty. It's cheap and can be installed without a plumber; and runs off the same water line to your toilet. You'll probably pay for it in a few months of toilet paper savings. And after using one of these you won't know how you lasted all those years with wadded up handfuls of toilet paper. Now we're talking green and helping the environment without any pain.

Ramani said...

Idhu ellathayum vida oru easyyana vishayam... carry a Mug and a bottle of water with you always.. :P

enna than sollu... paper finish kannadikku than nalla irukkum... pinnadikku nalla irukkadhu.. :D

Lancelot said...

@ David

thanks for the info...

makkalae read that info by David and try to follow it and save trees...

Lancelot said...

@ kanagu

ennaku doctor pattam mathiri chinna matterku ellam liking illa boss i want to get nobel prize for this...recommendation pannunga oppicer...

P.S: kartik can write without my name but he he he

gils said...

//(bath) room pothu yosicingala?? :P//

repeeeetuu....

Lancelot said...

@ Ramani anna

//enna than sollu... paper finish kannadikku than nalla irukkum... pinnadikku nalla irukkadhu.. :D//

semma punch dialogue thalai...

Lancelot said...

@ gils anna

//Lancelot said...

@ Viji

bathroom la utkarnthu yosipen...//

REPEATUUUUUU

Thoorika said...

Ayio.. enna topic idhu?! enna writers block a?! comin up with such a topic and writing such a long post on it ... ?! Lancelot.. what is this?!

Lancelot said...

@ thoorika

does it look like writer's block?? Kartik asked me a doubt I wrote an essay on it 9not less than 1000 words) u shud name it as Writers MADAITHIRANTHU :P

You Know Phoo said...

Ellam mudinjichidila... Kelambunga




Be Careful



Enna sonnen!!

You Know Phoo said...

Pinnadi aapu vaikirenu sonniye.. adhu idhu thaana???

You Know Phoo said...

enga canteenla solluvaanga

SAAPADHU eppadi machaan irukku???


PPPPPPPPPP aatam irukku...


Inda postum adhe maari thaan irukku!!!

Lancelot said...

@ you know phoo/Kartik

Machan Kovichikitiyaada??

Kochuko kochuko...

(Makkal reply) asingapattanda amnjikaraikaaran...

Lancelot said...

@ kartik dirty boy

englishla allaga SHIT appadinu solluda...

RAD MADHAV said...

Enna innum siluvaya kaanom?

Lancelot said...

@ Rad mad

Boss siluvai will go only to Kartik's tamil blog and copy cats blog- en blog pakkam ellam vara antha naatharikku bayam :P

You Know Phoo said...

Adhutha POST

KARTHIkum AVANADHU OTAI JETTYum!!!

Lancelot said...

@ Lancelot

dei innada koovinukeera, yaarukuda un blog pakkam vara bayam...thutheri un blogukku ellam evnaachum varuvanna kasumalam bemani un munjila en shit kayaa vaikka....

Lancelot said...

@ Kartik

Jetti matter eluthurathu namma thalai chriz mattumthan..irunthalum try pannuren...by the by lightaa kannula iruntha thanni vara mathiri irukku?? aluvuriyaa machi??

You Know Phoo said...

aamam pa.. enna kalaikirenu sollithu ella postlayum kalaikaam mokka podreengale.. ninacha aluga thaan varudhu.. aandava inda lance annaku enna kalaikka oru idea kodunga pa!! paavam 0 waats 100 waats, 1000 waats ah vaangite irukaaru

RAD MADHAV said...

lance ku jay

RAD MADHAV said...

siluvaikku jay

RAD MADHAV said...

you know phoo ku jay

RAD MADHAV said...

appada. 50 pottachchu

Lancelot said...

@ Kartik

evlo adichaalum thaanguraa nee rombha nallavanda....

Lancelot said...

@ Rad Mad

ithathan kaakai chitthar annaikae sonnar "Lancelot nee innoru blogla poi thevai illama half adichu aatam potta, un blog la athey mathiri half adichi aatam poduvanga da...itheyae samaskrithathulla, pirarkinna murpagal syin namaha, thamakinna pirpagal thaamae vilayum swaaga"

Nithya said...

Ha ma first comment..
Why is that u write so much... am really tired to read it in full..
But hoping to read it any ways..
Will be back wit comments..

:)
Nithi

moi said...

what kind of post is this?? hope its only for karthick!!!

moi said...

cant stop laughing though!!! you come up with all the weird ideas!!

Chronicwriter said...

do not use it more than three times...

hehehe...

nice one with illustrative examples..
would sure help many souls for sure...

and a chilly powder tp has hit the markets too.. gotta check it..

Lancelot said...

@ nithi

still waiting for your comment and being a lawyer you should not moan to read pages :P :P

Lancelot said...

@ Tu

this post is for anyone and everyone who are ignorant in using toilet paper :P :P

//cant stop laughing though!!! you come up with all the weird ideas!!//

:P saggi and weirdness - inseperable :P

Lancelot said...

@ Chriz machan...

ellam thangal aasirvatham :P


and chilly powder TPyaa?? lets try it on kartik first :P

Charmed One! said...

lols...
:D :D :D
i have no words for this one .. just laughs and laughs..
Guess all just a big effect cos of recession on you :P ..

Hey Arun.. You have been awarded a cute award on my blog... you can share this award with your blog :P ..
do pick it up :D ...

Lancelot said...

@ Charmed One

//lols...
:D :D :D
i have no words for this one .. just laughs and laughs..
Guess all just a big effect cos of recession on you :P ..//

*puppy dog eyes*

//Hey Arun.. You have been awarded a cute award on my blog... you can share this award with your blog :P ..
do pick it up :D ...//

Thank u ji...

Vinnie said...

WHAT inspired u to write this ?????

Lancelot said...

@ vin

Kartik's ignorance :P

Vinnie said...

Poor K..u always dragging my baby...am gonna spank u crazyyyyyy

Lancelot said...

ithodaa granny is coming in support of her grandson- :P

The Wild Blogger said...

Yuck man, thats fuckin disgusting :)

good job though.

deepthy said...

I like the sarcasm, and the witty casual style of writing...

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Eco No Brainer said...

http://econobrainer.blogspot.com/2010/10/tired-of-using-too-much-toilet-paper.html
Save enough for next year's Summer Vacation!!

Genius Kamal ! ! !

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